Describe one type of revision the student could make to improve the draft

Explain how each strength demonstrates aspects of effective planning. Base your
response on principles of planning instruction.
ITEM #5 (100 – 200 words)
A high school student has been assigned reflective essay that explores the
significance of a personal experience through sensory language, narrative
techniques, and comparisons between the specific experience and broader
themes. The student’s preliminary draft appears below.
1

As a kid, I spent a lot of time sitting in the backseat of my family’s minivan,
2
watching the scenery pass my window in a blur. It seems like we were always on our
3
way somewhere. Like to soccer practice or baseball practice or karate lessons or the
4
supermarket. When we were on our way to my grandparents’ house, we would be all
5
dressed up and looking forward to having a slice of Gram’s special chocolate cake. My
grandmother is the best baker and the best card player and the best storyteller I know.
6
7
She taught me to shuffle cards. When she served us cake, she’d always tell us about the
time when our mom and our aunt were kids and they baked a cake but it turned out
8
wrong. They didn’t want their mother to find out, so they buried the cake in the
backyard.
9
If we were on our way somewhere early in the morning, we’d stop at the
10
doughnut shop for honey-glazed crullers. If my mom was in a certain kind of mood,
she’d detour through our town’s historic district and point out the architectural wonders
11
she thought we should learn to appreciate. When I look back on these drives, I realize
that life is a journey and, if you’re not looking carefully as you travel along on that
12
journey, you might miss a sight that is special or strange or beautiful. As I sat in the
13
backseat of our minivan, the world presented me with all kinds of different lessons. All
14
I had to do was keep my eyes wide open. Now that I can drive myself places, I don’t
pay attention to the scenery like I used to.

Using your knowledge of effective writing techniques, write a response in which you:

Describe one type of revision the student could make to improve the draft

Explain why this type of revision would enhance the effectiveness of the essay
ITEM #6 (500 – 600 words)
Children develop ideas as they grow up about what jobs or careers they would
like to have as adults. Sometimes they change their minds and sometimes they
do not. In an essay to be read by an audience of educated adults, identify a job
or career you once wanted to have, and explain why you do or do not have the
same view of the job or career now.

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